| thursday night. it's not even 11:30 and i'm getting ready to go to sleep!
caitlin and abbey are in bed together. "there was a boy in this room last night."
they're laughing at me for wanting to go to bed so early.
i'm sad i didn't go out tonight, especially because i looked so good in my long, strapless dress! dammit! why don't i know boys well enough to call them up and hang out?
WHY!
i am desperate!
god!
i make myself sick.
so much going though my head and not enough time to stop and process.
i never reflected on the fact that the other night caitlin and i stayed up till way too late talking about her life and other things (i found out she once attempted suicide and went to school the next day).
i want to do many things this semester, but i'm so nervous that i'll crash and burn and not be able to handle it all.
i shouldn't worry before trying it out though.
things are going well for me; i should be grateful and optimistic.
i should stop thinking and obsessing and being desperate and creepy for a guy.
i just really need to have some normal boy experiences right about now and it's killing me that i can't have it right now.
all i want to do is go to the park with a boy, hold hands, jump awkwardly into my high bed, smoke a joint and go to moma, eat at ipanema...
caitlin is working on a boy, peter. it seems to be going well and it didn't take her too much effort at all.
i can do it too!
confidence confidence
is key
i felt confident today in my long dress
my white sunglasses
i don't know anything about poetry
but it doesn't phase me too much
i should learn more about photography
i could be so good
i'm so excited to be learning how to sing.
i am good.
tonight i was thinking about how sometimes i am salieri and not mozart and i should strive to be more like mozart. but really, i'm more of a salieri :( tortured by the love for music but not necessarily having all the talent (at least not to compose shit)
confidence is key |
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| i deeply want to understand music theory.
but it's SO HARD! |
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| It's 60 degrees outside! It feels like fucking SPRING! But it is December 15, Christmastime. It's throwing me off. I'm wearing a sleeveless shirt and my window is wide open.
So, Psych's over! And I'm alive!
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| Today I received a wonderful surprise in the mail from Mom:
Juno! "A little gift for you! :)"
Mom is so sweet. It brightened my day.
And now I will take a little break from anthropology and watch some of it.
Love this movie.
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| it's strange having to tell new friends all about your life up until now. just had an intensely long dinner with katrina during which i attempted to tell her all about my family. there's so much about me that people here don't know yet! but it's weird to think that i will be a different person in a few years. eek! |
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